Sun!

This girl needs a tan. Pronto. Let's face it, vampires are so 2008. (They'll be super cool again when New Moon comes out next fall. Edward Cullen's fang-a-licious sex appeal cannot be denied. But I digress...) Every women's magazine nowadays seems to be dedicated to telling me not to get any sun this summer. "Wear SPF 500," "Keep a hat on while you're at the beach," "Re-apply sunblock every 2 minutes" and so on. Blah, blah, blah, diddy blah, blah, blah. I understand that the sun is bad for you. Skin cancer! Ah! Wrinkles! Ah! Sunburns! Ah! Whatever. I'm going to do my best not to get skin cancer, I promise, but I will lay in the sun, weather providing. I'm 22 and I need a tan. If I have wrinkles when I'm 60, so what? Old people (no offense to my elders) have wrinkles. It's a known fact! I don't care if I look old when I am, in fact, old. Right now, my pale complexion looks sickly and I've been deprived of the sun for too damn long. Dear sun, send me your rays and let me bask in your warmth! Turn my skin brown and my hair blonde!

5 People I'd Like to Have Lunch With Today

1. Jacoby Ellsbury
2. Adam Lambert
3. Angie Tempura
4. Doc Jensen
5. Jimmy Fallon

Below are the reasons I want to eat with these particular people. See if you can match them up correctly.

a. I want to talk to him about The Variable.
b. I want to tell him the Yankees suck and he is my hero.
c. I want to know why his people haven't called my people yet to schedule an interview.
d. I want him to sing that beautiful scream of his in my face.
e. Bitch, please.

(Answers: 1. b, 2. d, 3. e, 4. a, 5. c)

Can you tell how bored I am?

Declaration of Love

I am officially declaring my love for Tinted Windows. Who, might you ask, are Tinted Windows? My new favorite band, of course! They are a "supergroup" consisting of the following former pop/rock stars: Taylor Hanson (of Hanson), James Iha (of Smashing Pumpkins), Adam Schlesinger (of Fountains Of Wayne), and Bun E. Carlos (of Cheap Trick). I know, I know. My first initial reaction was WTF?! However, after listening to their debut album I am, as you know, in love.

The last thing I need is another guilty pleasure (currently on my list of GP's: Taylor Swift, American Idol, Twilight, ZEfron. . . the list goes on and on and on. . .), but I don't have to worry about being made fun of for liking them, right? Tinted Windows is like a cooler version of Hanson, right? So I won't be ridiculed for listening and singing along and thinking they're awesome and bragging to everyone that they're my new favorite band, right? I need to know if it's ok before I start driving around town with the windows down blasting them and singing along to every ooo-whoa, ooo-whoa-ooo, oh!

Tinted Windows is pop music at it's finest and therefore, catchy as hell. Taylor Hanson is awesome and might I say, cuter than ever. I always said he was the best Hanson. Funny, though, how his voice really hasn't changed since his prepubescent mmmboppin' years.

Watch the video for their first single "Kind of a Girl" and you'll see what I mean. And then you will spend the rest of the day trying to get it out of your head. Enjoy!

Tinted Windows "Kind of a Girl"





oh! oh, oh! oh, oh! oh, oh ooo whoa-ooo whoa-ooo whoa!

Hooray for Administrative Professionals Week!

Today at work I was handed an envelope with a thank-you card and $50 inside! I asked, "What?! WHY?!" Apparently, this week is "administrative professionals week" or some such nonsense, and the lawyers felt the need to show their appreciation for me with 50 big ones. Yes, puh-lease! Not sure what great secretarial duties I did to deserve such a welcome addition to my wallet, but I'm not complaining. I send, like, one fax a day and answer maybe 10 phone calls between the hours of 9 and 4. Just call me Jenny, the super sexretary (um, what?! I mean secretary).

The surprising bonus just adds to my already terrific week. Yesterday I stayed home sick for the second day in a row. I had a nasty cold, but didn't mind because instead of working at the stinky law office, I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Don't judge me! (I read the books when I was MUCH younger and was just curious to see how the movie matched up. I might have seen the first movie in theaters. Don't judge me!)

The forecast for the rest of my week looks bright, as well, and I mean that literally. The past few days have been cold, rainy and dreary (much like my nose was), but the weekend is going to change everything! Temperatures are supposed to be in the 80's Friday through Sunday. Woohoo! Bring on the sun and I'll bring on my bikini. This girl needs a tan! Yes, puh-lease!

Wonder what I'll spend my $50 on . . .

OMFG! 10 Reasons to Watch 'Gossip Girl'

1. The Sex.
Ten bucks says the so-called "teenagers" in this show have a better sex life than you. They do it in the back of limousines, on top of bars and in the supply closet at school. Maybe you should be taking pointers.

2. The Upper East Side.
If you're anything like me and painfully miss New York City, then the simple passing of a yellow cab in a scene of Gossip Girl will warm your heart and soul.

3. The Fashion.
Oh, to own Serena's or Blair's closet! And then there’s Chuck Bass. No one dresses like Chuck Bass. Especially not high school students.

4. The Guys.
I've never seen anything like Nate Archibald. That hair! Those eyes! That smile! He's part Ken doll, part Abercrombie & Fitch model and a whole lotta sexy.

5. The Romance.
It melts my heart. Example: In the most recent episode Blair and Nate shared their first kiss (well, not technically their first kiss, but the first kiss of their newly rekindled relationship) in Central Park... in the snow. Nate surprised Blair. She thought she was just going to feed the ducks with her trusty maid, Dorota. Little did she know, Nate had called Dorota and asked her to bring Blair there (because it's her favorite place) so he could tell her how much she means to him and that he wants to be with her. *Sigh*

6. The Music.
The Virgins? Yes, please! The Ting Tings? Even better! Can't wait for OMFGG (Original Music From Gossip Girl) Volume 2! (http://www.omfgg.com/)

7. The Void It Fills.
Since The OC went off the air in 2007, there has been a hole in my life. Gossip Girl (created by Josh Schwartz who also brought us The OC) has filled that void and thus my life is complete. There might not be a Marissa Cooper or a Ryan Attwood in Manhattan, but Serena VanDerWoodsen and Dan Humphrey do the trick.

8. The Grown-Ups.
The storylines of the Gossip Girl adults are just as romantic and exciting as the teens', maybe even more so. Rufus Humphrey has the hots for Lily VanDerWoodsen. He's been crushing on her since way back when he was a rock star. Problem is, their kids are in love, too. Oh, the drama!

9. The Ad Campaign.
Revel in the sheer genius of these raunchy ads! A big chunk of society thinks Gossip Girl is no good, tasteless garbage and therefore . . . you should should watch it!

10. The Actual Gossip Girl.
Voiced by the one and only Kristen Bell (a.k.a. Veronica Mars!), she’s the witty blogger behind the infamous Gossip Girl website. She makes the catty remarks and spreads the vicious rumors that destroy relationships. You know you love her.

XOXO.

Respect Your Grandparents...the Hallmark Way

What happens when you forget to send your grandparents a greeting card wishing them a Happy Easter? All hell breaks loose.

Apparently, in the minds of Grandma Dolores and Grandpa Fred, a greeting card - no matter the occasion - is of the utmost importance. They expect a card for any and every holiday (especially "Grandparents Day") and in return for any sort of gift. "Thank you" cards are at the top of the list and must be mailed immediately upon receiving a gift. If you neglect to properly thank said grandparents with a card, expect a phone call from two slightly senile and very disappointed elders.

They feel they are well deserving of a proper "thank you" despite the gift, which is more often than not an insignificant amount of money. Twenty-five dollars seems to be the going rate for the following occasions:

• Birthdays (I think I was upgraded from $10 to $25 when I turned 18)
• Christmas (Once every few years they double the amount in honor of Jesus' birth)
• Graduations (Note: my mom's father gave me 40 times that amount when I graduated college since he recognizes that graduating college means starting a life in the real world and a little extra cash would be most helpful)
• Other (Sometimes they surprise me and send a random check for things like Valentines Day or Easter)

To Grandma and Grandpa Erasmus a card signifies respect, gratitude and sheer appreciation for their existence. (I should note that they have never sent me a "thank you" card for any gift I gave them.) Now, don't get me wrong. Of course I love my grandparents dearly. It's just that every once in a while, I get greedy and wish they would stop being so stingy for just a second and realize that I NEED MONEY. What do they think $25 is going to get me nowadays? With $25 I can just barely fill my car with gas, buy an item of clothing (if it's on sale), get a manicure (but not a pedicure). . .

I must sound like a brat. This is just my way of pre-releasing my frustration that I know I will feel come Sunday. Unfortunately, their "Happy Easter" card was sent out this morning and will most likely not arrive in sunny Myrtle Beach in time for the holiday. Grandma Dolores will say, "We didn't get your card...?" I will probably lie and blame it on the mailman: "WHAT?! You didn't get your card?! I don't know how that happened! Maybe it got lost in the mail! I am SO SORRY!" Meanwhile I'll be crossing my fingers and praying that God doesn't punish me for lying to my grandmother on this holiest of days.

Now please excuse me while I go mark National Grandparents Day 2009 (September 13th) on my calendar.

Mother Nature, Cut the Crap!

It's snowing in Colchester right now! Isn't it April?! I can't take it! What the heck is Mother Nature's problem?! Where's my sunshine and warmth and daffodils?! UGH! The Easter Bunny won't hippity hoppity to my house in the SNOW!

The weather is in NO way brightening my mood (in case you couldn't tell). I'm fed up with applying for jobs. FED. UP. I'm taking a few days off to try and calm my nerves. In the meantime I'll just close my eyes and imagine my feet in the hot sand, the sound of waves crashing in the background, my cheeks pink with sunburn . . . When that gets too painful I'll picture myself as a succesful CAREEER woman in New York City with an exciting job that makes other people jealous. Hey! A girl can dream, can't she?!

Life in Colchester is dull. The only excitement comes from episodes of American Idol. Last night my mom and I had a fit because my dad was watching some dumb show about a dumb couple building a dumb deck in their backyard. We started American Idol late because of his dumb show. (No lie, this show was worse than The Hills, which I sadly watched the premiere of Monday night. For the record, Heidi is an ass and Spencer takes shots like a pansy.)

We were DVRing Idol, but it lasted longer than one hour (because Paula Abdul takes too many drugs and cannot SHUT UP) and the DVR is not smart enough to know that, so we missed Adam Lambert's performance. If we hadn't watched the dumb show about the dumb couple building that dumb deck, we wouldn't have missed Adam Lambert give such a stellar performance that Simon Cowell gave him a standing ovation! The first Simon Cowell standing ovation in American Idol history! DAD! UGH!

He will NOT have control over the remote tonight. NO. WAY. Tonight is the Idol results show (PLEASE AMERICA, SEND THE BLIND GUY HOME.) and a new episode of LOST.

I watch too much tv. I need a new hobby. Any suggestions?

Long Live 'Project Runway'

Auf Wiedersehen, Bravo. Hello, Lifetime!

Finally! It's back! EW.com announced (http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/04/project-runway.html) that Project Runway will return to TV this summer on its new network, Lifetime. Lifetime might not be nearly as cool as Bravo, but whatever. Now that it's got Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn, it's gaining a whole lot of cool points in my book. I've been itchin' for season 6 since what's her name with the bangs and boring-as-hell clothes won last season. I was rooting for Kenley all season. She was a bit psycho, but had way more character. (Side note: Kenley was recently arrested for throwing a cat at her boyfriend's face.)

Apparently, the entire season is taped and ready to go...and has been...for awhile. Thus my anxiousness! The top three contestants even showed their lines in Bryant Park back in FEBRUARY(anonymously, of course)! Lifetime and Bravo have been fighting for almost a year and all the while we've been deprived, waiting impatiently to release our inner gay. Not fair.

Let's hope the new season brings more Santino's and less Leanne's...and plenty of drama and tears and homosexuals. Make it work, Lifetime! MAKE. IT. WORK.

Day in the Life of a Salesman

A salesman just brought me cookies. Chocolate chip cookies! What could make my afternoon better than warm, moist, chocolaty cookies? NOTHING. Except maybe a new job. That paid more. And came with benefits. Like health insurance. But since that is most likely NOT happening anytime soon, I'll stick with surprising deliveries of chocolate chip cookies.

I feel bad for salesmen. I really do. It has to be one of the most annoying, humiliating, degrading jobs around. I understand our economy sucks and you've got to take what you can get, but I would rather flip burgers at McDonald's then run around asking people to buy dumb stuff that you know they don't want and if they do buy whatever it is you're selling, it's only because they feel bad for you. I've witnessed it first hand. I'll share with you my journey as I eat my cookies.

Back when I first moved home, I desperately searched for work in Connecticut. I found a posting online for an entry-level marketing job. It looked promising, so I applied. A day later the company called to schedule an interview. The interview went well and the woman I met with invited me to come back a few days later so I could shadow one of the employees. Great! I was thrilled.

My excitement didn't last long. Instead, it turned into a deep, ugly rage. I guess I didn't ask enough questions about the company and the position I was applying for. I assumed (Never assume. It makes an ass of u and me.) I would be learning about the company, following someone around in an office all day. NOT THE CASE. Turns out it was a salesman position and I was being tricked into becoming one! Some guy, whose name I cannot remember (probably because I've been trying to block this day from my brain), was in charge of teaching me the ropes. He and I drove to some uppity town in Massachusetts. He parked his car in a CVS parking lot and we walked around the center of the town trying to get business owners to purchase a discount spa package. It was maybe 15 degrees that day and since no one told me I'd be walking around outside for six hours, I was certainly not dressed appropriately.

The worst part about the day was the salesman I was stuck with. Every time we entered a new business he would say, "Hi! How are you?!" And the employees would say (totally unenthusiastically), "Fine, thanks. How are you?" My salesman would respond with a big smile and this clever phrase: "If I was any better, I'd be twins." WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?! I heard it at least 20 times that day and not once did I understand it. The employees would usually chuckle, so I figured they got it, but maybe they were just being nice.

Needless to say, I am not a salesman. When I got back to the office that evening I told the woman I interviewed with that this was simply not the job for me. She said she was glad I got to see exactly what the job is, so that I could make that decision. I was not glad. I would have been glad if she had told me in the beginning that this was a salesman job because then I would have told her right away that I was not interested and I wouldn't have had the day from hell with some idiot who was so happy he could have been a twin. WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!

Trixie Taylor (Pet's Name/Street I Live On)

Our crap-tastic economy is causing strange things to happen. Take this morning, for instance, when my mom suggested I become a stripper. Yes, a stripper. As in a scantily clad sexpot seducing strange men with lap dances. She saw some story on the news about smart, successful women who turned to pole dancing after losing their job. One woman dances three nights a week and makes a whopping $1,500 a night...or six figures a year! SIGN ME UP. I'll start ripping off my clothes and shaking my ass right now! That sure as heck beats the $12 an hour I make as a receptionist at the law office and would definitely be more exciting. The office smells like old people and stale farts, not that a strip club would smell much better. And though I like to think of myself as Pam Beasley, there's no Jim Halpert around to spice things up.

I can't lie. I'm a bit flattered that my mom thinks I have the potential to be said sexpot. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a daddy long legs with no rythym and little, if any sex appeal. It didn't take long for her to burst my bubble, though. She said my only setback to entering the wonderful world of stripping is, ahem, my chest. She thinks I would probably need breast implants since the strippers she saw on the news had "big 'ol boobies." But, let's see, when I factor in the cost for implants, which would run me about $1,200 (see: yourplasticsurgeryguide.com) the price won't really be an issue considering how much money I'll be making as a stripper. It's worth the tits, don't you think?

The Object of My Affection

I watch too much TV. This might not necessarily be a bad thing, but my love for the idiot box seems to be taking over my life. Case and point: I constantly put off hanging out with one of my best friends because I don't want to miss American Idol. Since it's on two, sometimes three nights a week, I don't have much free time. Sorry, Nick.

I recently left my job in New York City and moved back home with Mom and Dad. I went from an exciting, busy, grown-up life to Colchester - a town with very few streetlights and too many cows. With little to do and most of my friends miles away, my parents HD-TV quickly became the object of my affection.


Unfortunately, sometimes my addiction causes me a great deal of stress. This is unusual because I don't often get stressed out. I remain cool in hectic situations, but when Obama schedules a press conference on a Tuesday night so Fox has to air American Idol on Wednesday - the SAME TIME LOST IS ON - I freak out. The nerve of the president! Upon realizing that American Idol and LOST were overlapping tonight, I panicked. Of course I can DVR them, but which one do I watch first?! Should I watch American Idol and then LOST? Should I start American Idol, switch to LOST at 9 and then finish Idol when LOST is over? How do I work this out?!

Thankfully, my Mom shares my pain. The TV addiction must be genetic. We thoroughly discussed the matter and decided to watch American Idol first and then LOST. That way, we have enough time to cast our votes because you CANNOT watch Idol and not call in for your favorite performers. (Mom's rule.)

I'm not proud of myself for being so consumed with Season 8 of America's favorite show, but I can't help myself. You know you love it just the same. Admit it! Release your inner Paula Abdul, people.

"In this world, there's only one person with whom you are meant to connect." - Jodi Picoult, Songs of the Humpback Whale