They Said Speak Now: A Rant on Fairytale Endings and Chick Flicks

I have a few issues with Taylor Swift's new music. And Katherine Heigl's portrayal of pathetic female roles in recent movies. These two woman live in a fantasy chick flick world that I refuse to put up with any longer. Thus, I shall rant.

Let's get Heigl out of the way. To say I'm eagerly anticipating next summer's big screen adaptation of Janet Evanovich's One For the Money is an understatement like none other. Heigl will play the lead role as Trenton, New Jersey bounty hunter Stephanie Plum. Having read this entire series (all 16 books), I have faith that for once Heigl will be forced to be tough. She won't have her panties in a wad. She won't be severely uptight. As Plum, she's required to be cool. I can't take another piece of crap film by her and I don't think the rest of the world can either. Fingers are crossed. I'm sick of her making us (women) look bad. She's like a toddler in need of a nap - tired, cranky, irritable - and perhaps in need of a good spanking. Her characters are so afraid to let loose! It's only when she's had too much to drink that she'll get on the bar and belt out "Benny and the Jets" and realize that she has feelings for the guy her uptight, goody-too-shoes self wouldn't dare consider. (I'm referring to 27 Dresses, Tweedledum and Tweedledrunk.)

Now let's talk about Swift. She's adorable, but her new songs are somewhat tired, sound a tad too familiar. She needs to take a risk. On her new album (Speak Now, out October 25th) the only thing that seems to have changed since Fearless is the subjects she's singing about. Words never before heard like "college" and "marry" and "bills" come up. What a big girl she is! Sorry hunny, but you can't just sing about "grown-up" things and say you're an adult. Her music doesn't seem to have grown up at all. She also hasn't come to the mature realization that fairy tales DON'T COME TRUE. So sorry to burst your pop princess bubble, but prince charming is not galloping towards you on a white horse. There isn't always a happily ever after. I mean, come on.

Here's the example that's been bugging me most: The title track of her new album released last week has me in a tizzy. Talk about Heigl's panties being in a wad. Yuck. Speak Now explores the idea of speaking now or forever holding your peace. You know, like during a wedding ceremony. Talyor sings from the perspective of a woman watching the love of her life about to say "I do" to the wrong girl. I read somewhere that Taylor wrote the song from personal experience. Sort of. A close friend of hers told her that the love of her life got married. Naturally, Taylor turned it into a song. I can't think of anything else more devastating than watching the love of your life commit himself to another person for as long as they both shall live. Talk about devastating, right? I'd prefer to be shot in the head than try to get over that. I think. Maybe I'd change my mind. Regardless, Taylor's song ends on a happy note. Naturally. Taylor speaks up in the church "when they said speak no-ooow" and the groom runs out of the church and whips off his tux and he's so happy that she spoke up and saved him. It's all so damn sweet, Taylor even throws a GIGGLE in there.

Give me a freaking break. Maybe I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't know where Taylor got her inspiration from. How is this song supposed to make her friend feel better? I'd be more devastated than anything after listening to it. Thanks for singing about what I should have done. Now I'll forever live with regret, constantly wondering what would have happened had I said something. Taylor! What the heck?! Why not be brave and write a sad song? Sometimes reality is ok. The truth hurts, but in this case, the daydream hurts more.

But maybe that's just me.