Summer Chick Lit Must List

One day I'll pen my own chick lit book. It's going to be a best seller, I swear. You'll love it. I already know what it's going to be about - don't ask. It's extremely confidential. I think I finally figured out my ending, so you shouldn't have to wait too much longer.

Until then, I suggest pouring over the pages of novels by the likes of Janet Evanovich, Jodi Picoult, and Emily Griffin - all of which have new books soon to be on shelves. Perfect for beach reading, girls!

I just finished Picoult's latest, House Rules. It wasn't her best, but it was everything you'd expect to get out of a J.P. novel - a heart wrenching tale of a family's imperfections, complete with an edge of your beach chair court scene ending. Gripping!

Here's what's currently on my Amazon.com wish-list:

• Heart of the Matter by Emily Griffin, out now!
• Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner, July 13
• My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares, June 1
• Insatiable by Meg Cabot, June 8
• Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovich, June 22

While you're waiting for those, may I suggest the best earlier novels of the above authors?

• Something Borrowed and Something Blue by Emily Griffin
• Certain Girls or In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner
• The Last Summer (Of You and I) by Ann Brashares
• One for the Money by Janet Evanovich

When you finish reading them and your summer comes to an end, don't be sad. There's always next summer when Griffin's first novel (her best), Something Borrowed, hits the silver screen. Yes! It's being made into a movie! Starring Kate Hudson, Ginnifer Goodwin and John Krasinski! Did I just make your day?

John Krasinski's smile always makes my day.

HOT MESS ALERT: Mischa Barton Edition

Can we take a moment to process this?

 

 

HOT MESS ALERT. The pictures were taken back in January on the set of Law & Order: SVU. Mischa plays a pregnant prostitute. Um, cool?

"Top Model" Gets Fashionable

ANTM haters be dammed! Tyra Banks' model show is actually getting fashionable in what will be it's 15th season to air this coming fall.

Instead of the winning girl appearing on the cover of Seventeen magazine, cycle 15's top model will grace the cover of none other than ITALIAN VOGUE. Uh, say what now?

Suddenly, ANTM's getting serious. For all you clueless to the world of fashion, Itlaian Vogue is a heck of a step up from Seventeen. Tyra and Co. is going from teeny-bopper, cutesy, smiley, nonsense to...well, fashion. Legit fashion. International fashion. Shit that actually matters. Shit that will actually launch a model's career, for chrissake!

Hot damn, Tyra. Hot damn.

Baby GaGa

 

This is my boss' newborn baby girl, Maja (pronounced Maya). Like her onesie? It was created (in part) by yours truly. It was a joint creative effort between my GaGa-loving self and my GaGa-loving friend/co-worker and her not so GaGa-loving fiance who just so happens to be quite knowledgable when it comes to Photoshop.

 

The GaGa onesies were the hit of my boss' baby shower. They were by far the most creative and personal gift and they gave our boss a damn good laugh. 

 

Doesn't Maja look so adorable!? It's the youngest GaGa fan I've ever seen and I effing love it.

KIN I Please Move to NYC Now?

Passion Pit.

Black Keys.

Ting Tings.

Each of the above mentioned bands played a free show in NYC this weekend. The locations of the shows were kept secret up until four hours before the bands hit the stage. It served as a promotional tool for the "Kin" - a hot new phone by Microsoft that obviously has big plans if it's going to so much trouble to gain the praise of fans of the above mentioned awesome effing bands. Nowadays, if you're a cell phone trying to get noticed in a world pretty much taken over by Apple, you gotta go big in order to get noticed. In my opinion, the Kin did just that. 

That said, add this to the list of reasons I need to move back to New York. Or any big city for that matter. Before the Kin took over Manhattan, it attacked San Fransisco with performances by Yeasayer, N.E.R.D. and Asher Roth. Tonight The Dead Weather joined the list of Kin promo bands. The Jack White led rock group (who just debuted their badass second album) performed a secret Kin show in Chicago.

If only, people. If only.

Can you imagine running around New York City last Saturday night? Constantly checking your phone, Twitter, Facebook, etc. for news on the location of the show. Sprinting all across town as hints were fed. And then finally figuring it out, grabbing a spot in line and being one of the few hundred fans who made it in to the free show?

YES, PLEASE.

"LOST" No Longer

Guys, I'm not lost anymore. After last night I've been found. Enlightened. My faith is restored. Hopefully you were as humbled by the dramatic LOST finale as I was.

Who cares about the scientific mythological hoopla? Yes, there are plenty of questions left unanswered. But I don't mind. Those answers aren't really important now, are they? What's more important to this LOSTie is that her beloved casatways, her constants from the past six years, have been found. They are happy. They are with the people they are meant to be with. Finally, their souls are at peace. I will sleep better from now on knowing that Jack is with Kate, Sawyer is with Juliet and Penny and Desmond are together forever. Amen

Haters, calm down. No need to get your panties in a wad. Take solace in the fact that the show ended peacfully. There's no sense in being bitter. This is it. It's over. Jack is our hero, Desmond is our guardian angel and that's that. Accept it and move on.

There are lots of interpretations out there in the blogosphere about what the finale really meant. I'm pleased to find most of the reviews are positive. Some fans are disappointed with the unanswered questions, but overall, critics are praising the episode, applauding it's focus on the emotional aspects of the characters and the outstanding acting delivered by the cast. This was a love story, people. A beautiful, romantic love story. Better constructed, delivered and performed than any chick flick I've ever seen. I laughed, I cried and in the end I smiled - satisfied, comforted, accepting of the fact that this enormous chunk of my life has come to an end. I needed closure and for the most part, I got just that.

Here's what I got from "The End": The plane did clrash on the island all those years ago. Lots of people died. Jack & Co. did escape. They were the Oceanic 6. They eventually went back to the island. There was time travel and Others and temples, a man named Jacob and his brother, the smoke monster. Jack died on the island. Kate, Claire, Sawyer, Richard, Miles and Lappidus made it off the island alive via the Ajira plane Lappidus fixed and flew. Meanwhile, Hurley and Ben stuck together until they finally passed away on the island. Perhaps of natral causes. Perhaps of old age. I don't think Hurley became like Jack and Jacob when he drank the water. Heck, I'm not even convinced Jack became like Jacob. Maybe I'm wrong, but I really don't think Hurley gained any special powers. Maybe it's because the island was "uncorked" at the time Jack "appointed" him as the new island gaurdian. Afterall, when the island was uncorked lots of things went awry: Richard grew a grey hair (gasp!), Smokey could be killed (and was by our hero, Jack), and the island was apparently collapsing into the sea. Perhaps if Hurley was appointed after Jack replaced the cork, it could have worked. That being said, in my eyes, it didn't work. Hurley was not made to live forever.

Eventually, all of the above mentioned people died. We all die. There's no stopping it. As they died, they moved on to this new life - the sideways/parallel world as we've been calling it all season. It was in this limbo, this purgatory where they needed to recognize the life they once lived. In order to do so they had to be reaquainted with their fellow castaways - the people that had mattered most in their lives - in order to move on to heaven. To peace. To be found. They did this with the help of everyone's number one bruhthuh, Desmond Hume. He knew what needed to happen, much thanks to a drugged out Drive Shaft bassist. He took it upon himself to unite the castaways.

As these people came in contact with each other, memories of a past life came flooding back. My favorite recognition came from Sawyer. The look in his eyes as he remembered what Juliet meant to him...OH MY GOODNESS. "Kiss me, James." "You got it, blondie." UGH! I loved, loved, loved it. I also bawled like a baby. I cried during every interaction involving these island memories. (And whenever Hurley cried, I cried ten times harder.) Every former island couple was reunited including Sawyer and Juliet, Claire and Charlie, Sayid and Shannon and most importantly, Jack and Kate. Yes, folks, Freckles finally made up her mind and chose a man. Jack. And what a man he is.

Jack was the last soul to be found so to speak, but when he became enlightened, what a mighty moment it was. That conversation with his father, Christian Shephard (hardy har har!), the tears, the realization that he died, too! Once aware of the situation, daddy Shephard led his son into the church where his loved ones waited and together they ended their wild, tumultuous, emotional journey and entered the light.

And they all died happily ever after.

 

 

I've Got Mail

One of my top 10 favorite movies of all time is You've Got Mail. If you're not familiar, it's a romantic comedy starring former Sleepless in Seattle couple, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks - an ideal romantic duo if I do say so. The film follows the typical rom-com outline: Two people meet, hate each other with a passion, and then eventually experience a change of heart and fall madly in love. The end.

While it's a predictable chick flick, I love You've Got Mail and am not ashamed to admit my devotion. There's something extra lovely and charming about this film that puts it in a separate category. It's not a cheese-ball chick flick. It's got depth and passion and it takes place in Manhattan in springtime (twitterpation!). Meg Ryan is so pleasant (aside from her overdone collagen-injected top lip that doesn't move) and Tom Hanks is so gosh darn adorable. From the moment their character's meet, you know they'll end up together. That's how a chick flick works. That's why your heart hurts throughout the entire film. You want these goons to recognize their love for each other and you can't take another second of them denying their feelings!

In this case the main characters really despise one another. Tom Hanks' character, Joe Fox, is opening a massive bookstore, Fox Books, right down the block from Kathleen Kelly's (Meg Ryan) independently owned bookshop, Shop Around the Corner, which she took over when her mother passed away. He's the villain. She's the neighborhood princess. Needless to say, they do not get along.

Meanwhile - outside of their business lives - both characters fancy online chat rooms. (The movie was released in 1998. Email was just becoming a hit. Stop making fun of the storyline, ok?) Ironically, each of them met someone online who they emailed daily. "Shopgirl" and "NY152" fall madly in love regardless of the fact that they've never met in person. Little do they know, they're in love with their arch enemies! Oh, the irony!

Joe Fox and his mega-store eventually run Kathleen Kelly out of business. Now at this point, Joe knows Kathleen is Shopgirl. Shopgirl and NY152 arranged to meet in person. She arrived to the meeting place first. When Joe arrived, he figured out that Shopgirl was actually Kathleen Kelly(!!). He kept the secret from Shopgirl and worked hard to make her like him, since he realized he didn't hate this woman. He loved her. The two develop a friendship and after awhile, Fox starts to grow on Kelly. 

As Fox and Kelly build their friendship, Shopgirl and NY152 arrange a second meeting. Shopgirl was originally upset with NY152 because he never showed up for their first meeting (because he got there and realized it was Kathleen Kelly!). Joe Fox is the one who convinces Kathleen to give NY152 a second shot. (But not before they discuss the possibilites of his online name: "152 people who think he looks like Clark Gable"..."152 stitches from his nose job"..."152 years old"...)

Shopgirl meets NY152 in the park on a sunny spring afternoon. She walks around aimlessly, looking for the online man of her dreams. Suddenly, she spots Joe Fox. He nods his head. Yes, Kathleen Kelly, Joe Fox is NY152. He's the man of your dreams. She approaches him and she says through her tears, "I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly." Oh, my heartstrings! He wipes away a tear and says, "Don't cry, Shopgirl." HEARTSTRINGS! How romantic!

Yesterday I found myself in a similar moment. An old "friend" who has been away from home for months said he had a surprise for me. He was mailing me a present. Just something little, he said, that reminded him of me. Last week he said he shipped it and UPS predicted it would arrive on Monday. The strange thing was he sent the package to his house, so I would have to pick it up there. When I asked him why he didn't just mail it to my house, he said, "You'll see."

Yesterday, Monday, he sent me a text saying the package was delivered to his house and I could go pick it up anytime. Ever since he mentioned the surprise, I wondered if it would actually be him. The thought gave me heart palpitations. Therefore, anytime I considered it, I brushed the idea aside. I didn't want to jinx it if it were true.

Later that night I made my way over to his house. I pulled into his driveway and started to get out of the car. His front door opened and there he was, walking across the front lawn towards me with the happiest smile on his face. All along my surprise was him. I threw myself into his arms and squeezed him as tight as I could. And I thought to myself, I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly! 

Just call me Shopgirl.

GG Can Suck It

Dear Mr. Schwartz,

I would like to take a moment to tell you we're through. Your season finale of Gossip Girl last night left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I cannot believe the cruel way you made our beloved characters act out. Seriously? 

How dare you turn Chuck Bass into such a monster. He should have waited a few extra minutes for Blair. He definitely should NOT have so quickly turned to booze and deflowered Jenny Humphrey. Don't even get me started on that mess. First everyone hates her. She's ruining relationships, everyone's scared of her, says she's on a path of self destruction. Then she lets Chuck take her virginity because she's lonely. Afterward, everyone feels sorry for her. Suddenly she's a saint?! I think not. She starts sobbing (because she's an idiot and probably only let Chuck take advantage of her so she would ruin yet another relationship between two very compatible, in-love people) and everyone forgives her? Ugh, Jenny Humphrey, I hate you! And I hate your hair! And your makeup! And your clothes! And your attitude! UGH!
 

Chuck would never have given up on Blair so quickly. Deep down he knew she would show up. He knew it! Stop trying to make us think he didn't! Let's be serious. Now that Blair knows what Chuck did with Jenny, they should never be together, but thus Gossip Girl fans would have nothing to look forward to. Which is why Chuck and Blair will eventually get back together. You know what, Mr.Schwartz? I won't be around to see that bullcrap happen. Like I said, we're through.

Now let's discuss Serena and Dan and Nate. Fine. I can deal with Dan still having the hots for the sexy blond drag queen. But he seemed really into Vanessa not too long ago. Apparently not. You've moved things around too quickly. Serena cheats on Nate with Dan - just a kiss, a bottle of wine and a sleepover in Dan's bed - and goes running straight to Nate to explain nothing happened. Nate accepts this load of horse shit (because apparently he's a pathetic sap who doesn't know what's good for him) and they agree to go back to the way things used to be. My problem with this: THINGS HAVE NOT BEEN GOOD BETWEEN THEM SINCE THEY GOT TOGETHER. My second issue: THEY SHOULD BE PERFECT. Like Blair told Jenny, they're MYTHIC:

But you effed it all up, Schwartz. Just like that Serena breaks up with Nate and is totally happy running away to Paris for the summer. Yeah, sure. In all fairness, Nate's better off without her because he seems to be a decent person who just so happens to be effing beautiful. But you went and ruined him, too. There he sits surrounded by ho's in skimpy lingerie. PUH-LEASE.

Meanwhile, stupid Dan Humphrey is researching AirFrance tickets. Why? So he can chase his STEP-SISTER to Paris to beg her to be his girlfriend? All this before explaining anything to Vanessa (who is apparently in Haiti?)?! But, wait! Dan isn't going ANYWHERE because here comes Georgina Sparks and guess what she's carrying?! DAN'S BABY. Barf.

The only regular who hasn't been turned into a monster is Blair. Instead, she suffers from love sickness, a broken heart. How could you do that to her, Schwartz? HOW?!

And with that I say so long, Upper East Siders. It was fun while it lasted.

Sincerely,

J from the B

TVD Leaves Me Squealing with Delight

Vampire Diaries, are you kidding me?! I just watched the season finale and my heart is about to explode.

If you've never heard of this show... If you've never seen an episode... If you've avoided it like I did (before finally giving in) because you were sick of the vampire nonsense invading pop culture... You should reconsider your decision. I'm sure as hell glad I did. Let me tell you. This show is the shit. It's way more badass than Twilight. No effing sparkling vamps in Mystic Falls. Uh uh. Likewise, it's not as sexy or bloody as True Blood (by the way, thank GOD for the TB promo that aired during this ep! For a girl who is without HBO, this was a hugely unexpected and overwhelming surprise. Holy hell!) However, Damon Salvatore - played by the hunk with the piercing blue eyes, Ian Somerhalder - is one sexy freaking vampire. And the show can be bloody at times, like when evil, heart-breaking vamp, Katherine, sliced off Uncle John's fingers (as in every finger 'cept maybe his thumb, I couldn't tell). There was quite a bit of spurting, spraying blood.  And there was plenty more spurting, spraying blood when she staked him immediately after slicing off his fingers. Note to the clueless: Uncle John has a special ring that protects him from death - no matter how many times Damon throws him from a two-story balcony. Insead of gently slipping that ring off the ugly uncle's finger, Katherine chopped every finger ('cept maybe his thumb) off. And then she staked him. Burn!

Did I mention Uncle John is actually Elena's daddy? Well, dead daddy come next season. (Unless someone turns him into a vampire. Even then he'd still technically be dead.) This suspicion was confirmed in the season finale. Poor orphan girl, Elena. Geeze. That girl canNOT catch a break when it comes to rents. Her dad is a jackass vampire hater and her mom is an actual vampire. An evil vamp. With no humanity left. Note to the clueless: Damon turned Elena's mommy, Isobell. Only 'cuz she asked him to. He means well. Sometimes.

Speaking of Damon, his humanity was really seeping back this episode. He can't stop! It's like tidal waves of emotion - lovely, painful, human emotion attacking his non-beating heart every time Elena's around. He wants her and he aint denying it. It's not in his nature to deny something of the sort, especially to Elena's boyfriend, Damon's lil' bro, Stefan. You heard him: "I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl."

The best part of the episode came at the end. After the vamp massacre that Damon and Stefan survived - much thanks to the wicked witch of the south, Bonnie - Damon thought he had won the heart of Elena. And my God, I thought he did. In a moonlit moment on her front porch Damon leaned in ever so slowly and kissed her on the cheek as I squealed in sheer delight. EEEE! He wasn't finished there. After pulling away, the sexy, sullen vamp slowly leaned in for his lips to touch hers and she didn't hesitate a bit. She let him kiss her. A kiss from Damon Salvatore = HOT! Hotter than Hades HOT. She took him in like she had been waiting a hundred years. And, folks, that's exactly why it appeared that way. This wasn't Elena. SHOCKER! It was her lookalike, bitch vamp Katherine. The one who stole the hearts and human lives of the Salvatore brothers a century or so ago! Was anyone expecting this?! Did anyone see it coming?! NO! And that, my friends, is why this ending was so effing good. WATCH IT HERE. Now please.

I can't help but wonder, did Damon know he was smooching Katherine? Was that look of wonderment on his face because he couldn't believe he was right about Elena's more-than-friends feelings for him? Or was the look of surprise because he considered the brunette beauty might be Katherine? It looked like he was considering the idea, but then thought no, it couldn't be. Or could it, Damon? 

After posing as Elena to swap spit with Damon, Katherine went inside to kill John. Little did she know (or anyone knew, for that matter), Elena's brother, Jeremey, was upstairs committing suicide/turning himself into a bloodsucker via his recetly deceased good vamp girlfriend's blood, which she gave to him in a vial before she was staked and then burned in the vampire massacre. Note to the clueless: Uncle John/daddy John was the leader of said massacre and the asshole who staked Jeremy's teenage vampire lover. This is his second teenage vampire lover. The first was also staked. Unfortunately, I'm not kidding.

 Damon, while you're pondering the possibility of having just shared a hot and heavy lip smack with Katherine, do us all a favor. Save the Gilbert family from more tragedy. Fly on upstairs and pump the pain killers out of Jeremy's tummy before he dies, wakes up a vamp and feeds off of Uncle John's rotting body in the kitchen. Eww. 

I need to re-watch the final scenes. Was Katherine the girl professing her love for Stefan before locking lips with Damon? Or was that actually Elena? Folks, I think it was (OMG) Katherine! Could she have fooled both brothers in record time and laid a wet one on BOTH their sexy lips?! Elena be damned (pun INTENDED!)!

I apologize for not giving this show enough credit. I'm covered in goosebumps. I'll dream of kissing Damon Salvatore tonight. (Boone swoon!) What am I going to do all summer?! Oh, season finales! Oh, the agony! Oh, wait. Oh, yes. True Blood. ONE MONTH FROM TODAY, fang bangers!

Pre-Teen, GaGa-Inspired Prodigy

I wonder if this kid needs a date to a school dance or something? This is him performing GaGa's "Paparazzi" at his school's Sixth Grade Festival:

GG Season 3 Finale: Gunshot, Sex, Incest!

One episode left of Gossip Girl season 3 and I'm remaining optimistic. The season hasn't been satisfying. I won't be pre-ordering the boxed set on Amazon anytime soon...or ever. Last night's ep was mundane, predictable, eye-roll worthy - especially whenever a scene featured Serena and/or "Little J". Ugh. They are both so self absorbed and whiny and irritating! However, the ep ended with a few bangs to keep me hopeful that next week's finale will keep me at the edge of my seat. I hope that by the end of the hour I will be highly irritated that I'll have to wait all summer to hear Kristen Bell mutter the words, "Gossip Girl here..." before she fills us in on the fabulous lives of New York's Upper East Siders.

Last night's episode featured a few twists. First of all, Vanessa was nowhere to be found. In her absence, boyfriend, Dan was available to comfort ex-girlfriend and current stepsister, Serena, as she was forced to accept her recently new-found daddy as a lying,cheating scoundrel. I believe (and am praying) that last night was Mr. Van Der Woodsen's final departure from the Upper East Side. He will now be heading back downtown to resume his position at 30 Rock. Right?

It seems Dan wants Serena and vice versa. Huh. Nice blast from the past. A cute little reminder of what once was. Just like season 1. Miss queen of Manhattan woes lowly ol' Brooklyn boy. Then pops his cherry. Now they're parents are married. This is WRONG. It's incest! It needs to stop before it starts and I vomit in my mouth.

As far as the show's lead hot mess, Jenny Humprey hates her family, which is perfect because it appears they hate her. Little J's gay, once suicidal step-bro-bro, Eric, told her if she didn't want to be a part of the family, just leave. So she did. And boy, she ran so far away! She ran all the way across town to Chuck and Nate's apartment. Nate was there drinking his sorrows away, as unbeknown to him, his good buddy Dan was comforting his hunny with longing puppy-dog eyes in the back of a town car. Nate wasn't surprised to see Jenny wheeling her suitcases in off the damn elevator. What with all the throwing herself at him Jenny's been doing all season, how could Nate be surpirsed? It looked like he was leading her towards his bedroom. We all know the hot mess wants Nate and she wants him bad. My prediction is they're totally gonna do it...or at least get pretty damn close until Nate realizes he's screwing a corpse. For the last time, wash your hideous makeup off, Little J. You're scaring children.

And finally, no matter how blatantly Chuck Bass throws himself at lost lover, Blair, the stubborn beeyatch won't give in. At last, Chuck offered his dearly beloved an ultimatum: Meet him on top of the Empire State Building by 7:01pm tomorrow, or he will lock her out of his heart forever. Gasp! Will Chuck's Sleepless in Seattle plan win Blair's heart back? From the way she longingly gazed up at the NYC landmark upon leaving Chuck, my guess is yes. But anything can happen. Looks like someone's even gonna get shot next week. No surprise there, Mr. Schwartz. The O.C. season 2 finale? Marissa shoots Trey? Imogen Heap record sales skyrocket? SNL makes digital short featuring Shia LaBeouf? Ring any bells, party people? I wonder what song will accompany a Gossip Girl gunshot wound...

Here's a look at the trailer for next week's Gossip Girl finale:

And just for fun, watch Marissa shoot Trey. Cue "Hide and Seek." Oh, the nostalgia!

And for a good laugh:

GaGa Wants Your Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu Future Love

And she wants to fu-fuck you as hard as she can. Gasp! 

Guess what, monsters! There's a new GaGa song on the internet! And it's one I've never heard before! Who's pumped?!

It's called "Future Love" and it's GaGa at her best: behind the piano showcasing that classically trained voice we all love and admire. (Right!?) Apparently, she's been performing the song at live shows for years. This, however, is the first studio recording to be released. It has since spread like wildfire across the world wide web.

Listen here:

Current Celebrity Couples that Disgust Me

1. Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgard. I know what you're thinking. No, I'm not jealous. Ok, I am, but in all fairness I am in touch with reality. Knowing I'll never have him as my own personal Eric Northman, I can deal with him in a relationship. If I had to choose his female mate, Kate Bosworth would definitely not be her. She's annoying. As Lois Lane? Massively obnoxious. When she won a date with Tad Hamilton? Seriously irritating. She's way too sweet and skinny to be the girlfriend of a six-foot-four blonde Swedish sex god who found fame after rolling around in bed as Lady GaGa's eye-patched lover and as centuries-old Viking-turned-vampire in True Blood who wants nothing but to suck blood and bang. He needs a tough broad. Someone gorgeous and independent. Someone like Sookie, but without that ridiculous southern twang. Maybe a supermodel. A brainy supermodel. I preferred the rumors pairing him with True Blood co-star and teen queen of the vamps, Evan Rachel Wood. And Lord knows I like her a hell of a lot better with Skarsgard than with Marilyn Manson. Ick! I don't care how much younger than Skarsgard she is. She comes off as wise well beyond her years. And she's gorgeous. And unique. And artsy (see her role as Lucy, Jude's love interest in Across the Universe). Unfortunately, rumors state she's back with goth rock freakazoid. Ick.

2.Cameron Diaz and Yankees' third baseman, Alex Rodriguez. GAG ME. Seriously, who is paying these chicks to pose as his girlfriend? What exactly about A-Rod is appealing? Yes, I am a die hard Red Sox fan, which makes me an automatic A-Rod hater. However, regardless of his team, I'm beyond perplexed. Seriously, what is so appealing? He isn't attractive. Bubble butts are a major turnoff - athlete or no athlete. He's arrogant and never smiles. He hooked up with Madonna or something. Maybe they just did Pilates or prayed to Buddha together. He left his bimbo wife just weeks after they had a child together. Not attractive! I love Cammy D. I aspire to dance like her. She's fun, sweet, likable. She dated Justin Timberlake. Then she dated a sexy surfer. Now A-Rod? Nope. Don't buy it. She's better than that. Just like my girl Penny Lane Kate Hudson. The press says they're just hanging out. Not a confirmed couple. Better stay that way. Come on, Cameron. Don't do this to yourself.

3. Taylor Swift and Cory Monteith. My biggest problem with this couple is it's two sweet. It's like when you go to the movies. You don't want to get sour patch kids and a bag of gummy worms. You'll feel your teeth rotting right there in the theater. The sugar will burn the taste buds off you're tongue. That's what Taylor and Cory do to me. The idea of them in love burns the taste buds right off my tongue. The last thing Glee needs is Taylor Swift ruining it. This pair - like the above mentioned "couples" - isn't a confirmed item, just rumored. Better not happen. The sweet country singer who won every music award ever last year seems to only date guys long enough to get a song out of the relationship. Joe Jonas broke her heart, so she wrote a hit song about him. Burn! Years earlier a guy named Drew broke her heart. She wrote a hit song about him. Burn! Cory Monteith, do not break her heart. You'll regret it. If you're looking for a tall blond with a sweet disposition and a pretty smile - I'm available. I'd love nothing more than a singing, dancing dreamboat like yourself. I'm all for Finn and Rachel, but I don't approve of her choosing that dishonest New Directions spy, Jesse St. James - no matter how suave he may appear. I'd much rather perform a duet with you over those other chumps. I"ll forgive you about that whole Santana ordeal. Taylor, back off. 

Love. Bleh! 

Mommy's Day

Happy Mommy's Day!

In honor of this lovely holiday I made my Beatle-fanatic mother a super duper homemade card with this cover:

Crafty, right?! 

Mom insists I should start my own business designing Beatle's greeting cards. I love the idea and I'll be getting to work on it right away.

GaGa, Lambert Fans Scammed

For the love of GaGa and Lambert!

 

A pair of hooligans in West Virginia scammed a mass of people into purchasing  tickets to a nonexistent Lady GaGa and Adam Lambert concert. The duo allegedly sold the tickets for $100 a pop and reportedly raked in over $17,800 in ticket sales for the phony show.

 

How dare someone take advantage of innocent fans' devotion for the glamtastic pop stars!

 

 

The 45-year-old men (get a life, seriously) are charged with one count each of obtaining money by false pretenses. They are denying the charges. At least 11 people filed police reports saying they never received their tickets for the phony concert in the mail, like they were told. Luckily, those 11 fans were refunded.

 

A self proclaimed GaGa/Lambert fanatic, I wholly understand the appeal of such a concert. It would be outstanding. However, supposedly several of the hopeful "concert-goers" purchased their tickets at one of the alleged criminals' hair salon. Um, why in the hell would tickets for a concert starring two incredibly successful artists be on sale in a HAIR SALON? I find it hard to believe that so many fans could be so naiive. GaGa and Glambert would be disappointed, but surely flattered. Perhaps they'll press charges themselves. We know how much GaGa adores her "little monsters." Perhaps the mother monster will earn some revenge for her suckered babies.

"There is no Sayid!"

This week's episode of LOST was a killer. And if you watched the episode, you know I mean that literally. RIP Jin and Sun Kwon.

 

Fictional characters don't tend to scare me. In fact, the only movie I've ever actually been scared of was The Ring. I had to remove my 13-inch TV (that I proudly purchased with weeks worth of babysitting money) out of my room because I was terrified that soaking wet little girl with the hair in her face was going to crawl out of it and eat me. However, the man pictured below scares the effing shit out of me and I am not kidding.

 

 

The Smoke Monster/Fake Locke/Man in Black is the most frightening thing I've ever seen (my stressed out sister who has two weeks left of her college career is a close second).

 

I should not have watched "The Candidate" alone. Had I known what kind of terror and catastrophe was about to ensue, I would have waited for company. Upon finishing the episode, my body was covered in goosebumps. My hands were shaking. Heart was pounding. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I was blubbering like Hurley.

 

Despite my initial shock and outrage at the LOST producers for so abruptly murdering several key characters who I have come to know and love for the past six years(!), I am happy with a few of their decisions. For instance, Frank Lapidus needed to go. His cheese-ball lines were really irritating me ("Looks like somebody got their voice back."). I'm thankful Sayid Jurrah ("torturer") died honorably, with a presumed good heart, as opposed to the demon he sort of became as one of Fake Locke's minions. And finally, it was nice that Jin and Sun died together. However, I effing hated that epic, Titanic-esque final shot of Jin and Sun. ("I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go!") WTF LOST?! Why don't you eat my heart out a little more? It's bad enough they're underwater and DEAD, but now they aren't even holding each other anymore?!

 

The episode hurdled so many devastating things at me so quickly, that I am still suffering emotional whiplash from the episode. How can a television show take so much out of me?! Kate's shot. Sawyer's out for the count. Jack's crying. Hurley's sobbing. And Smoke Monster/Fake Locke/Man in Black is seriously PISSED OFF and presumably on his way to kill Desmond. Jack, go rescue the brotha before Smokey beats you to it!

 

It is my belief that Jack is indeed "The Candidate." Desmond knows this. That's why Sayid knew it. Before he snatched the bricks of C4 and ran away to blow up and save his fellow castaways, he told Jack that Desmond was in the well and that Locke wanted the brotha dead. Then he said "It's going to be you." After Desmond convinced Sayid not to kill him (because what would Nadia think!?), he must have told him that Jack was going to save them all. I also think that's why Desmond tried to run John Locke over with his car in the sideways world. He wanted to hurt Locke so that Jack would have to operate on him...just like he brought Claire to Jack. Desmond is the only one who sort of figured out what's going on. Now Jack just has to realize it, too. Desmond is going to help him do that.

 

Jack irritates a lot of people. Especially Sawyer. However, this episode brought back the Doctor Shephard I fell in love with in season one. He's back in charge. He's figuring Smoke Monster/Fake Locke/Man in Black out. And therefore, he's fulfilling that island leadership role. My favorite Jack moment of the episode was when he ordered Hurley to take gunshot victim Kate to safety after Sayid and the C4 exploded. Hurley insisted he check on Sayid. What a softie. Jack responded, "THERE IS NO SAYID!" I know it was awfully blunt. This obvious clarification was frightening, but goddamn it was awesome. It was in that moment that Jack came back. If I was in danger, I'd want Jack at my side. Likewise if I was trapped in a polar bear cage, I'd want Sawyer by my side.

 

I re-watched the ep again the next morning with my mom and sister. I begged them to stop what they were doing and watch it. I was such a goddamn mess inside and I needed someone to understand what I was going through. As soon as Jack swam to safety leaving Jin and Sun, I started bawling ten times harder than I did Tuesday night. That damn haunting music, their endearing final words, the orphan they're leaving behind!! I tried to swallow the lump in my throat because I didn't want to give away the ending, but I couldn't hold it any longer. At least I wasn't alone. Mom and sis joined in on the tears with that shot of the surviving four crying on the beach. Chilling? Gripping? Emotionally draining? All of the above.

 

I have a hunch I'm going to need a therapist after May 23rd's series finale.

 

 

In Sue's Words

My favorite Sue Sylvester quote from this week's Glee:

Sue to Mr. Schuester regarding his dimpled chin: 

"I might buy a small diaper for your chin, 
because it looks like a baby's ass."

Operation Steal the Remote

It happened again two nights ago. My Polish father thinks he knows how to work the DVR remote control. Think again, daddio. Night after night we argue over this. And night after night he wins because he's the father, the man of the house. He refuses to let anyone else work the control, insisting he does it best. This is not true, but I give in and shut my mouth to avoid further frustration and a more painful headache.

The first time it happened, it was more of a close call than an utter disaster. He was going to bed and handing over the loaded list of DVR'd shows to my mom and I. Before he went upstairs, he insisted upon starting the show we wanted to watch. We told him to play Project Runway. On the DVR list Project Runway appeared right before Model's of the Runway. Every Thursday Model's comes on immediately after Runway. Every week it begins with the models gathered around a TV watching Heidi eliminate the losing designer of that week's Project Runway. My dad didn't read the list closely enough and selected Model's of the Runway instead of Project Runway. Whaaaaaat?! Thankfully, my cat-like reflexes grabbed the remote and switched the channel before my mom and I saw which contestants were possibly facing elimination. My dad laughed at our freak-out, handed me the remote and went to bed. He finds humor in perfectly good television going to waste.

This brings me to last night. Sunday night is my favorite night of TV: Amazing Race from 8-9 followed by Celebrity Apprentice from 9-11. Reality television at its best. Mom, Dad and I (Lord, end this recession, pretty, pretty, pretty please!) prefer to DVR the shows and start them around 8:45. That way, we skip all the commercials and speed right through. Like every other night, my dad held the control tight in his hand, assuring me he was in charge of it. I got comfortable on the couch next to my mom, as my dad on the other side of the room in his recliner hit play. He began to fast forward the beginning of the episode which recapped last week's episode. Maybe it was poor lighting, or the fact that he wasn't wearing his glasses, or the simple fact that he doesn't know how to work the damn remote control, but somehow he hit the "LIVE TV" button. Suddenly, the channel switched from the DVR'd episode to what was currently airing on CBS - which was the end of Amazing Race. There on the screen were the cowboy brothers, Jet and Cord, being congratulated for coming in second place and moving on to the finale of Amazing Race. Just like that, the entire episode was ruined.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" I screamed! I flew off the couch and attacked the remote, snatching it from my obnoxious, power-hungry father. He snickered, entertained by his own stupidity and the effect it had on my mom and I. My mother was screaming at this point, too. "DAVE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"It makes no difference to me," my dad said. "I don't watch this show. I don't know what's happening." Yeah, no fooling. You fall asleep 10 minutes into whatever show we watch (unless it has something to do with installing bathtubs or landscaping a backyard), which is why he never knows what's going on in any storyline. He usually bickers about the stupid show and says he has no idea "what the freak" is going on until he falls asleep. You should see him try and watch LOST. Un-be-lieve-able. Add this to the list of reasons we don't like him to have control of the remote. Every time he falls asleep we have to yell to wake him up to fast forward through the commercials. "DAVE! FAST FORWARD! WAKE UP AND WATCH THE SHOW OR GIVE US THE REMOTE!" He shoots up in his recliner and presses fast forward. His happy fingers tend to fast forward too far into the commercials and I have to plead with him to rewind. He doesn't understand that I don't want to miss all of Sue Sylvester's witty one-liners. He thinks I'm ridiculous. JUST LET ME HAVE THE REMOTE AND THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING TO ARGUE ABOUT.

If he gives me lip next Sunday during the Amazing Race finale, all hell is going to break loose.

Gossip Girl Pet Peeves

5 things about Gossip Girl that are seriously pissing me off:

1.  Jenny Humphrey's overall appearance. What happened to this girl? She looks like DEATH. Take OFF that makeup! Get rid of those platinum hair extensions! Girl, you are the hottest mess on the CW and I am NOT proud to share names with you. Clean yourself up pronto! Rumor has it she won't be appearing in several of next season's episodes. I, for one, will not be missing her.

2.  THE ELEVATORS! Do these characters EVER use stairs? Everyone has an elevator! Everyone! The Humphrey's, Chuck and Nate, Blair. I understand they all live in penthouses, but come on. How do their asses look so good?! Somebody please tell me where they're hiding their StairMasters.

3.  Billy Baldwin as the big bad daddy? I'm not sure how I feel about this storyline to begin with. It doesn't help that every time Billy Baldwin - aka Serena and Eric's father - opens his mouth, I think Serena or Rufus or Lily is having a goddamn conversation with JACK DONAGHY. I'm so effing confused! I'm half expecting Liz Lemon to pop out of Dorota's apron.

4.  Dan and Vanessa...I'm totally grossed out by you two. You're so effing boring. "My story is better than yours!" "Well my script is more original than yours!" UGH! SHUT UP! No one cares about your desires to be famous New York writers. All you do is bicker about who's smarter. Stop competing and love each other, or go your separate ways! You're scholarly nonsense is giving me a headache. You're young! Have fun! Whatever happened to the threesomes?

5.  Blair and Chuck apart = HEARTACHE FOR EVERYONE. Now get back together ASAP, you goons! You're never going to find people you love more. Get over yourselves and put an end to this madness. I'm absolutely sick of it! The montage last week during Blair's trip down memory lane simply killed me. The next time I see them exchange desperate, wanting, googly-eyed glances from afar, I'm going to hurl something at my TV, dammit.

If I Had You

Prepare yourself. Glambert's getting ready to make the music video for "If I Had You". The single is just now hitting airwaves. How excited are you?!
 

This is the Adam Lambert we've been waiting for. This is the Adam Lambert we've wanted to hear since he finished in second place last year. Fuggedabout that whole AMA fiasco and that mediocre first single. "Whattaya Want From Me" was just meh. This second single is an entirely different story.

It's upbeat. It's fun. It's loud. It showcases his brilliant voice and the true artist Lambert is. I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be huge. It's gonna be as big as Glambert's makeup drawer. It's gonna be one of the top 10 songs of the summer.

I've been driving around town blasting this song for months now. "If I Had You" was immediately my favorite song off his debut album. I'm so glad the rest of the world will be forced to hear it and finally understand my love for this fabulous man.

Sample "If I Had You" here:

Macy in the World

It is my belief that many people are turned off by Macy Gray. Maybe it's that electircally charged hairdo. Maybe it's her 6 foot stature. Or that incredibly distinguished, raspy voice. She's unique, ok!? Get over it! There's lots to love about Macy Gray and I am proud to say I think she's cool. I dig her individuality, her style and her music.

Take a listen to her new single "Beauty in the World."

OMG I want a pair of those ginormous peace sign earrings!

Isn't it refreshing to hear a song so cheerful and uplifting? Leave it to Macy to sing lyrics like this:

Shake your booty, boys and girls
For the beauty in the world

I have a soft spot for the song because it played during the final scene of the final episode of Ugly Betty. As the words "Ugly Betty" appeared on the screen and the "Ugly" faded away, Macy Gray could be heard in the background singing about all the beauty in the world. It made the scene all the more meaningful. Thank you, Macy. This song is adorable.

Glambert Dreams Come True

I'm a hot mess. I'm rearranging my life for Adam Lambert tickets. And I am not ashamed.

I switched shifts at work last minute. Instead of working this morning, I'm working 4pm to midnight. I decided I don't trust my sister to order the Lambert tickets, which went on sale at 10 this morning. This weekend is the second to last weekend in her college career. Therefore, she cannot be trusted to roll her sorry ass out of bed at 9:55am, nor should she be expected to. Let's be serious! I needed to take the resposbility into my own hands. Adam Lambert is very important to me and seeing him in concert has been a major goal in my life ever since I saw him belt out "Whole Lotta Love" on American Idol approximately one year ago. I know he's gay, but hot damn, I don't care.

My alarm clock went off promptly at 9:30am (Fun J from the B Fact: My iHome is set to play "Borderline/Open Your Heart to Me" from the Glee Power of Madonna soundtrack when my alarm goes off. It's what I wake to every morning. Instantly puts a smile on my face.) I jumped up - not a smart move considering the passion fruit martini I chugged last night went straight to my head. I was still feeling the aftermath as I proceeded down two flights of stairs to my parents'  dungeon basement where my dinosaur desktop computer sits. As the computer roared to life, I retrieved my credit card from my wallet and rubbed sleep from my eyes. Waiting for ticketmaster.com to load, my heart was racing. Three days ago, Adam sent me a password to purchase tickets during his pre-sale. Since I'm on his fan newsletter email list, I was offered first dibs at tickets. Score! Not so fast. Much to my dismay, Ticketmaster told me repeatedly that tickets were unavailable. I tried painfully to get in touch with an employee of Ticketmaster - like a REAL LIFE human being - but I couldn't get past the automated woman who kept hanging up on me! The nerve! She'd ask what event I was calling about and then she'd say "Tickets for that event go on sale Saturday, May 1st at 10 a.m. Goodbye!" How rude!

Today I suffered the same problem. At 10am on the dot I refreshed my ticketmaster.com "Adam Lambert at the Nokia Theater Times Square" event page and to my utter dismay, tickets were not available! Impossible, I say! How could they not be available when they JUST went on sale?! I decided to call my automated friend and ask her why. Instead of hanging up on me, she asked for my credit card information and ordered me two tickets - one for me and one for my soon-to-be college graduate sister. GLAMBERT, HERE WE COME! 

I got my boots on, got the right 'mount of leather
And I'm doing me up with a black color liner
And I'm workin' my strut...

Because I am the proud owner of two tickets to see Adam Lambert next month!

Gotta go pick out an outfit! Smell ya later.

Backstreet's Back, Alright!

Not alright. This is not alright!

 

I've been suckered into purchasing a ticket to see the Backstreet Boys in concert. At least their show is the week before Adam's. I'll have something to look forward to. Imagine how much worse their concert would be if I saw Adam first?! I wouldn't survive.

 

Ticket's were $50. There are so many other things I'd like to spend $50 on. Like THIS. Or THIS (for the Lambert concert, obvi). Or THIS!

 

I understand that this is beyond ridiculous. An old friend invited me and I couldn't say no. You should have heard the way she pleaded with me! (Similar to how I pleaded with my sister to attend the Adam Lambert concert. I had to go so far as to purchase her ticket. She might be worried I'm going to rush the stage and attack him. She has reason for concern. Especially if we go to Blockheads first.)

 

Speaking of margaritas, I'll definitely be consuming a few before BSB. I wonder if they'll dance. Aren't they too old for this nonsense? Nick Carter is soooooo...I was gonna say last decade, but I don't think he was ever anything to begin with. I had googly eyes for him for a hot millisecond. Then I watched Justin Timberlake and *NSYNC perform "Bye Bye Bye" on the Rosie O'Donnell Show and I never looked back.

 

Within that hot millisecond I did see BSB in concert. I was 11. It was their first U.S. tour. Up until that point it was maybe the most exciting thing that had happened in my small-town life. I screamed, I danced, I maybe shed a tear or two. I came home with a souvenir t-shirt that I folded into a little ball and stuck in a box under my bed. I never put it on. I guess my adolescent mind considered it too invaluable to wear. I didn't want it to fade or rip or be damaged in any way. It has remained under my bed for 12 years. I think I'll pull it out and proudly wear it on June 15th. And then I'll throw it away. Maybe.