I think we're at our best by the flicker by the light of the TV set.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Hunt for "Blood" Continues

I'm Blood thirsty, y'all. The hunt for disc 4 of True Blood season one continues. Two days since my last post and the local Blockbuster still has not received their one and only copy of it from whichever jerk-face in town rented it. Since my last entry I've continued to contact Blockbuster, asking for the disc. I stopped actually going to the store (because I didn't have time to sharpen my stake). I'm pretty sure the employees recognize my voice over the phone. I had my mom call once because I was embarrassed. I mean...

The employees we spoke to kindly checked the computer database to find out when the DVD was rented and when it was due back. Turns out whoever rented it, rented it WEEKS ago and has a MAJOR late fee coming their way when they decide to bring it back. COME ON, PEOPLE. GET WITH THE PROGRAM. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO WATCH THREE GODDAMN EPISODES?! I wanted to ask the employee for the address of this vampire-loving, True Blood-hogging jackass, but assumed they wouldn't give me such personal information. Perhaps I should find the time to sharpen my stake, make a visit to Blockbuster and then ask for that information. Maybe not...

If that plan doesn't work, which I don't expect it to (stake or no stake), I have another idea. One of the Blockbuster employees is a guy from my graduating high school class. He's very nice. We played the alto saxophone together in band in fourth grade. We were never friends in high school, but he knows who I am and I, likewise, recognized him when I was at Blockbuster (every day this week). He's very nice, but maybe a little bit odd. He's very tall and very lanky. His skin is very pale, I guess the kind of skin you would expect someone to have who works inside a Blockbuster all summer long. He probably rents a ton of movies to watch when he's not at work because he must get a mega discount. So, even when he's not working he's probably inside watching all these movies, so he must not see the sun very often. But, I digress.

This very nice, pale, lanky dude knows I'm on the hunt for Blood because he's been working nearly every time I've gone into the store asking about it. He's usually the employee I ask to check the return bins to see if the disc I'm searching for has recently been returned. He's also the one who suggested I stop coming in and try calling the store asking for it, so that I don't have to make a trip into town for nothing. I smiled and explained that I was already in town and decided to pop into Blockbuster on my way home, since I was passing Blockbuster anyway. I have other things to do than just watch True Blood, thank you very much. (This isn't entirely true, but we'll keep that between you and I.)

Getting back to my idea...I'm thinking about seducing said tall, pale, lanky Blockbuster employee. See, I asked him if I could put my name on a reservation list. There has to be a waiting list for disc 4, right? Nope. There's not. If you had such a list, Blockbuster, I wouldn't have to make trips into your store and then harass your employees because you DON'T HAVE IT. This would make both our lives easier. Since there is no list, I'd like to seduce the employee and get him to call/text me when the DVD is finally returned. It will be like Can't Buy Me Love...(because I'm obviously super cool and popular) I'll agree to go out with him, people will think he's cool and I will finally finish watching season one of True Blood. It's genius.

I think it's a great plan. Look where Patrick Dempsey is today. He's McDreamy. Tall, pale, lanky Blockbuster employee will totally thank me for this one day. Just you wait.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

For the Love of "Blood"

Over the weekend I made the mistake of watching episodes 1 through 7 of True Blood season one. I've been to the Blockbuster in town every day since searching for the next disc with episodes 8 through 10. I think I'm starting to get on the employees' nerves.

Apparently, the Blockbuster in my town is unaware that True Blood is the best/most watched show on HBO and has failed to notice that vampires are taking over pop culture because they only have one copy of each disc in the season. What are you thinking, Blockbuster?! Don't you know that there is NOTHING to do in this town?! What are we bored, unemployed, single twenty-somethings supposed to do when some jerk rents disc 4 and NEVER returns it?! Does Blockbuster think I'm going to buy the entire season from them brand new? They're selling it for $55!!! That's outrageous! Obviously, the only reason I'm living in this town is so I can bunk up with my parents because I can't afford to live on my own. And they think I can afford to buy the season?! I wasn't even sure if I could afford to rent it! I guess I never should have rented it and saved myself the $1.99 because now Blockbuster is just teasing and tormenting me because they DON'T HAVE THE NEXT DISC AVAILABLE!

I tried to go about watching the rest of season one the illegal way. Didn't work out so well. A very gracious friend sent me a link where I could download each episode. I was ecstatic! I couldn't wait to get out of work, go home and download all the episodes I had missed. To my dismay, when I clicked the download button, the page refreshed and said "that link is no longer available." You can imagine my disappointment. I know there are other ways to illegally download this show. Unfortunately I am not a computer-savvy, nerdy rebel and don't know how to go about doing this. I do, however, know one computer savvy, nerdy rebel who could help me, but he tends to tease and torment me almost as much as Blockbuster. All I want to do is get lost in Bon Temps, reunite with my girl, Sookie, AND FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT BILL WAS BURNT TO A CRISP WITH THE REST OF THE VAMPIRES IN THE HOUSE THAT WAS SET ON FIRE BY THE ANGRY TOWNSPEOPLE!

Actually, I already know what happens because I read the books, but that's besides the point. I think I'll call Blockbuster this afternoon and ask if they have disc 4 instead of going into the store again. It's likely I'll harass the employees, should disc 4 still not be there. I wouldn't want to be thrown out of Blockbuster. I can see the headlines now...

Local Woman Threatens to Stake Blockbuster Employees

Colchester - A woman was thrown out of Blockbuster Wednesday after threatening
to stake two employees. Witnesses say the woman, 23-year-old Colchester resident,
Jenny Erasmus, became violent when she discovered disc 4 of season one of the
popular HBO television show True Blood was not in stock. It was her fifth visit to the
store since Sunday. A Blockbuster employee said, "She came into the store with the
devil in her eyes."...

Maybe I should move back to New York.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Fitting for a Giant

The days of Bubble Spinning my life away while mindlessly answering a phone that rarely rings are soon to be over. I've been hired elsewhere (thank God!). In just a few weeks, I will begin my new life as hotel guest receptionist extraordinaire. It might not be the most prestigious position in the world, but hey, it beats watching Mr. Meaney walk to the bathroom with the most recent issue of Law Journal tucked under his arm. Ick.

I applied for this position months ago (which gives me hope that maybe some of the other hundreds of jobs I applied for back in the day will eventually get around to contacting me). It's really quite thrilling. A new chapter in my life is about to begin! Hallelujah!

Before beginning this new chapter, I had to be fitted for my uniform. It's quite simple. Skirt/pants, t-shirt, suit jacket. All black. It's classy. I dig it. I'll be saving a whole lotta money on a work wardrobe. This always tends to be a problem for me, since it's not easy to find pants long enough for my body type. I have to order my jeans from a special store that makes a 37" inseam. This is no joke. The jeans issue I can deal with, but dress pants on top of the jeans issue...not cool.

Fortunately, everyone is personally fitted for a uniform at my new job. This means the clothes will be sewed just for me! How wonderful! Not. When the Asian ladies working in wardrobe saw me, their jaws hit the floor. "So tall!" they said. I've never seen a more flustered, perplexed Asian woman in my life, than the one who was assigned to fit me. She was gawking up at me, trying to decide how she could possibly make a uniform cover my long legs and long arms. Let me remind you, this is her JOB. This should not be a problem. I can't possibly be the only 6-foot-tall female to ever be fitted for a hotel guest receptionist uniform. Give me a break! After measuring my hips and waist, (which she had to reach up to do, mind you) she ran in the back room for what seemed like an hour. I could only imagine this tiny Asian woman rummaging through piles and piles of pants, searching for a pair that just might fit me.

She finally came back with two pairs. The first was too tight. The second fit just right. Around the waist, that is. All of the uniforms are un-hemmed. This way, they can hem each pair of pants to the exact length they need to be depending on who is wearing them. Unfortunately, without the hem, the pants were the perfect length for me. Great, just great. I'll be the receptionist looking like Steve Urkel in my high-waters! My baffled seamstress let out a cute, Asian giggle when she saw the length and promised to make the hem as short as her little Asian fingers would allow.

Luckily, I can wear the skirt, should the pants be too short. And luckily, the skirt is long enough for my legs. Often times, a skirt looks extra short on me even though it's not. My thighs are just longer than everyone elses! There's nothing I can do to change this! Back in high school I got yelled at by the vice principal once because she said my skirt was too short. This really pissed me off. How dare she accuse me of dressing like a skank. I really gave it to her. First off, I said it wasn't a skirt. It was a skort. There were shorts built in underneath the skirt part. (Skorts used to be cool, ok?) Secondly, I told her to find me a skirt that didn't look short on me. She threatened to give me detention if I ever wore a skirt that short again. It was a SKORT!

Monday, August 10, 2009


I think I should maybe spend less time in my parents basement catching up on True Blood with my dog, Trixie. She's great company, but sometimes she snores and never talks back. I need to go out and meet people. Granted, when I start my new job next month, I'll be sure to make a ton of friends. Until then, hiding in the basement watching vampires is where I'll be. Lately I've been wishing I had a girlfriend to man-hunt with. Yes, I said it. Man-hunt. I'm not about to go out by myself. I need a companion, a partner in crime. I've considered posting an ad in the classifieds:

Hot, single female searching for hot, single female to man-hunt with. Preferably between the ages of 21 and 28. Must be SINGLE and LOOKING. Must be outgoing. Must be flirtatious. Must be willing to share hot guys with man-hunting partner. No man-hogging allowed. Previous experience in man-hunting a plus. For more information please call XXX-XXXX.

Think it will work?

Friday, August 7, 2009

Hey, Jude

Yes, folks, last night I had a ticket to ride. I fulfilled a lifetime goal of mine (and my mother's) by seeing Paul McCartney in concert at none other than Fenway Park, the greatest place on Earth. Before entering the park my mom stopped me and told me with dead seriousness that tonight would be the most important night of my life. Second only after being born. Even my wedding day, she said, would not be as important.

I must admit, my mom was right. I don't think anything in my life will ever compare to hearing/seeing Sir Paul McCartney sing "Let It Be" live. I was choking back tears! I firmly believe the world is a better place because of that song. I was in awe. I was in heaven. "Hey Jude" was almost as good as "Let it Be." A few years ago my mom saw McCartney at Madison Square Garden. She called me during "Hey Jude." It was the best phone call I ever received. I made sure to pass this on and called a special someone who I knew would appreciate it as much as I did. (You know who you are.) Ever since that phone call from my mom, all I've wanted to do is sing along with Paul to the "na, na, na, na, na, na, naaaaa's." This is mostly because when my mom called me all those years ago, I could hardly hear Paul McCartney over her screaming. This time I could hear him loud and clear. (Hopefully the person I called heard more of Paul than myself. I can't imagine by na, na, na's being very in tune considering how loudly I was screaming them.)

My mom's best friend, Nancy, accompanied us. They have been friends since they were 3-years-old. They grew up next door to each other. Their entire relationship...of 50 years!...has revolved around their love for Paul McCartney and The Beatles. When he ran on stage last night and started singing "Drive My Car" (beep beep, beep beep, yeeeeeah!) the two of them flew out of their seats and proceeded to jump up and down, waving their arms in the air, screaming on the TOPS of their lungs (as if he could hear us...we were so far away he was the size of an ant), dancing and smiling wider than I've ever seen anyone smile. It's like they were 8-years-old again, hearing Paul sing for the first time. By the end of the night, I looked just like them. My arms hurt from clapping so hard and my voice was gone.

Their reaction alone was worth going for. I've never seen my mom so happy. I'm 100% sure that she loves Paul McCartney more than me, my father and her father. They looked super adorable, too, because I made them t-shirts on customink.com that said "Lovin' Paul Since '64" with a picture of a young Paul McCartney's head in the middle (see pic). SO many people came up to them asking where they got their shirts. I should have ordered more and sold 'em! I woulda been rich!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Blood Suckers

Is there such a thing as Vamp-aholics Anonymous? I am addicted to vampires. Ok, maybe addicted is the wrong word. I am...enthralled? mystified? in love with? All of the above. I blame this on the Twilight series. And Rob Pattinson. And pop culture's current obsession with the blood-sucking undead. Thanks a lot.

While (im)patiently waiting for the New Moon movie, I started going through what I like to call "vampire withdrawal." I read all the Twilight books and watched the stupid movie a few times (my sister owns it), but I wasn't satisfied. I would just like to point out that I know the movie is horrible, awful, a sad display of cinematic art...but after reading the books, it's just so good. You can't understand unless you're 1.) female, 2.) read the entire series, and 3.) love Edward Cullen (because of reasons 1 and 2).

To ease my frustrations and vamp longing, I considered watching True Blood. Problem is, I don't get HBO and my current cash flow is not generous enough for me to purchase season 1 on DVD. Bummer. Instead, I settled for the book series that True Blood is based on. Let me just tell you, I am obsessed. In one week I flew through the first three books and intend on making a trip to Walmart on my lunch break today to pick up books 4 and 5...and maybe 6, 7, 8 and 9. They are fantastic. FANTASTIC. (FANGTASTIC? Too corny? Sorry, couldn't help myself.) There's mystery, lust, love, comedy, drama, horror and fang-bangers (a.k.a. vampire groupies who go to vampire hangouts for the sole purpose of meeting and screwing vampires. Vampire sex is no joke, people.) I can't get enough of them. And in addition to the freaking awesome vampires, Sookie Stackhouse, the story's main character, is a doll. I love her almost as much as I love the vamps.

Now, I like to consider myself an intelligent, well-educated woman. I am a college graduate. I used to be a news writer. I'm not stupid. However, I understand that my so-called vampire addiction sort of lowers my level of intelligence. But whatever. It's my guiltiest pleasure. So what? Just because I have a crush on a tall, blond, 200-year-old former viking vampire named Eric, does not make me less intelligent. After getting a glimpse of Alexander Skarsgård, who plays Eric in True Blood, I think I'll start saving up to buy or rent season 1. Dare I say it...Eric Northman is better than Edward Cullen in every possible way. I'm off to Walmart!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Movie Review: 500 Days of Summer

Go see it. It's fantastic. It's not a chick flick. It's not a love story. In fact, it actually hurts. But in a good way. It's a wonderful story. It's artistic. It's realistic. Zooey Deschanel is adorable. Almost as adorable as Joseph Gordon-Levitt's dimples. If Zooey weren't engaged to the Death Cab guy, she would totally be with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his dimples. They are irresistable. The story makes you feel good. And then it makes you feel like crap. But by the time you're walking out of the theater, you'll realize just how good it is because it's so believable. It's not perfect. That's why I loved it. It reminds you why love sucks, but at the same time, makes you want to fall in love regardless of the pain it may bring. Just go see it. You'll love it. And then you'll be super cliché and download the soundtrack just like I'm about to do right....now.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Kate, How Could You?

A few weeks ago I got an offer in the mail from People magazine: "Mail this back and get 6 issues FREE!" Um, ok. I could enjoy reading mindless celebrity gossip...for FREE (I sound like Grandpa Fred). My first issue arrived yesterday. Hooray! Just in time for my Saturday spent floating in the pool.

I was enjoying the magazine until I arrived at the story about Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez's new found love. Um...what?! Apparently, I have been hiding in a hole because this is old news. Even my mom was aware of it. My initial reaction to the news was utter shock and dismay, which has since turned to anger and now I'm just in mourning. Kate!! What the heck is wrong with you?! How could you?! A-ROD?! REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?!

Their romance is everywhere. Google "Kate Hudson Alex Rodriguez" and you get "Kate Hudson & A-Rod Are Really a Couple!", "Romance Between Kate Hudson & A-Rod Heats Up," "Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson Get Cozy." You have got to be kidding me. Kate, you're dating the enemy. THE ENEMY! What happened to super cool, band-aid, Penny Lane, how to loose a guy in 10 days Kate? A-Rod is an idiot! An idiot. You're so much better than him. You could date anyone. ANYONE. And you choose him? That bubble butted, steroid-takin', thinks he's better than everyone else A-Rod? You used to date rockstars. ROCKSTARS! How do you go from rockstars to A-Rod? She can't possibly like him. Someone must be paying her big bucks to pretend. I wonder how much she got paid to kiss him in public.

I'm going to watch Almost Famous and remind myself why I love(d?) Kate Hudson.