Daddy's Got a Brand New Tatt

My dad is a very unique individual. He’s lucky to have my mom who has loved him and put up with his Polski nonsense for 26 years.

He loves The Big Bang Theory. A lot. He laughs his ass off at the nerdy humor, which is funny because I think a lot of it goes over his head. Maybe not. Maybe I’m underestimating him. Anyways, an episode last season featured a ridiculous invention known as “tattoo sleeves.” One of the Big Bang nerds wore them to look tough and cool. My sheltered father had never heard of tattoo sleeves. To say he was impressed is a severe understatement. He’s been talking about them ever since. For whatever reason, he wants them to wear in front of his mother to convince her that he got tattoos. She would totally believe it because in addition to being the shortest member of my family, she’s also the most gullible woman you’ll ever meet.

Two days ago, mom and I were in the temporary Halloween store at the mall watching my sister freak out about finding a costume to wear to some party. The girl cannot make decisions and in a store full of colorful, creative, skanky options, she was a madwoman. While I feared for my life, observing the alien that had taken over my sister’s body, mom inquired about tattoo sleeves. Next thing I know, she was asking me to pick one out. “Which design do you like best? I have to get these for your father. He’s been talking about them forever.” She settled on one that included a snake and some flames and purchased it. Sister bought a Lady GaGa hair-bow that she ended up never using.

My dad’s excitement at this surprise gift made him the happiest guy in town. Though I’m fairly certain the sleeve (note: he has a single sleeve, so only one of his arms is tatted) cut off his circulation, he wore it for the rest of the night with his shirtsleeve rolled up. He kept laughing, saying, “Look at this! Look at my tattoos! It looks real, doesn’t it?! Oh look, there’s a snake on it! Doreen! See my snake!? Hahahahaha!”

He thinks if he wears the sleeve, people will be scared of him. News flash, old man, people are already scared of you. Every date I’ve ever had nearly crapped their pants upon meeting him. He doesn’t mean to be scary. He’s just an intimidating guy. If anything, maybe if he wears the sleeves in public, people will think he’s a little bit of a lunatic and be less frightened of him.