Dear Justin

Dearest Justin Timberlake,

You think you're so funny, don't you? Teasing us, tormenting us with this new single with Timbaland. Just because you can. You do know "Carry Out" is #8 on Billboard's Pop Chart, right? That it's all over the radio?

Truth be told, the song is stupid. No woman wants to be compared to takeout. Let's be serious. But, I love it because you're singing it. As does the rest of the country. This gets me to thinking. Where are you? What have you been doing besides making stupid movies with your exes? We prefer you as a musician. Now, please, get off your movie set and into the studio. Start recording, work on some new dance moves, maybe plan a duet with GaGa (just an idea) and release a third solo album already!

It's been four years since FutureSex/LoveSounds. FOUR YEARS! FOUR YEARS! I can't wait a second longer. That album had such an impact on my life. I can hardly listen to it now because it makes me so sad. I need new tunes asap!

I've come up with a list of reasons to convince you to come back into my life:

1. America has once again lost it's sexy and you're the only one who can bring it back, obvi.

2. SNL. You need to host SNL again. If you release a new album, you'll surely be invited to both host and be the musical guest just like last time. I was there, by the way. I slept on the sidewalk for you to wait for tickets to the show. It was December. Typically, SNL is better when you're on it. Now put your dick in a box and get on with it.

3. No one dances anymore. No one cares about Usher. Chris Brown isn't exactly everyone's favorite. We need you to make moves. Make! Moves!

4. You're great at all the behind-the-scenes stuff you do, but singing and dancing and performing on stage is where you belong. No on would argue that. It's cool that you have your own label and you're discovering talent and producing and whatnot. But we don't want new talent. We just want you.

5. I miss you.

Hope this has an effect.

Sincerely yours,

j from the b